Joe Am’s "Philippine Church of Man"

This publicity release announces the formation of a new church by Joseph August America, famous bombastic blogging banshee of the Visayas.

“This is an alternative to the ritual-packed, superstitious religions people now follow like moths to a candle,” said Mr. America in a news conference. “Other churches use that scapegoat Satan, or his brother, the Government, to explain away all the ills of the Philippines. They deny responsibility. Our new Church believes in reason. And we demand to be held to account.”
Our Statue: “A Holy Moment”
(with apology to Rodin for new name)
When asked if the reliance on reason was not atheism, Mr. America said “no way, Bubba!”. He explained that the God of his Church was in favor of thinking, and, indeed, believed thinking people were more steeped in faith than those who emptied their brains into believing that 71 virgins were granted to martyrs, or saying three “Hail Mary’s” would be like pressing the delete button on sin.
“That famous American Thomas Jefferson was a deist,” Mr. America added. “His belief in God was strengthened by reason. And he saw the danger of allowing faith to intrude on government affairs because politicized faith is like a whistle made mostly of wind. That’s why the U.S. Constitution, which he largely penned, contains no references to God. And why our Church thinks all this politicizing and murdering for the God of our choice is a big bunch of holy hooey.”
Mr. America clarified that it was not Mr. Jefferson who said “faith was a whistle made mostly of wind”, but he, himself. Nor did Mr. Jefferson at any time in his life say “holy hooey”. Mr. America will be clear on this when he finishes the write-up he is doing for insertion into wikipedia. His main point is that churches that DEMAND faith according to rigid doctrine have it backward.
“In our Church, we explain that GOD HAS FAITH IN MAN.”
“Think about that, sports fans, because it is important,” said Mr. America.
Mr. America announced that his new church would be called  “The Philippine Church of Man”, a snazzy brand name no other religious institution has trade marked or registered because they are stuck with their old Dark Age brands. “Selling God is like selling laundry detergent, or Philippine tourism,” Mr. America stated. ” You gotta have sizzle and you gotta have steak. And you have to be up to date. And you gotta grab your audience by the chingaderos!”
Someone in the back of the room hollered “well, you don’t gotta have good grammar, that’s for sure”, but Mr. America went on as if he hadn’t heard.
“We will be internet based,” he explained. “You can worship anywhere, any time. ‘A direct WiFi to God’, we will say in our slogan.  Bluetooth or DSL cable, land line or cell phone modem, Facebook, tweet or google will put you in touch with the Lord. We are a portal to salvation, cloud-based for sure. The heavens never looked so good as in binary code.”
A reporter from ABS-CBN asked “do you believe in Jesus?”
Our God Does Not Require Big Buildings

“Say hallelujiah!” screamed Mr. America. “We believe in Jesus, Mohammed, Joseph Smith and Bubba Buddah. We are an equal opportunity religion. We believe in Madonna and Jessica Sanchez, the Pope and the Holy Grail. But we don’t LISTEN to what any humans from organized religions say about their God because they don’t even know how to discern story from truth. They could be shoveling coal our direction, or telling the truth.  How would we know? THEY don’t know.”

“So rather than confuse ourselves with the 534 different religious interpretations circulating on our planet, each one claiming to be the one TRUE religion, with the one TRUE God, we figure things out for ourselves.”
“Here’s an example. We are Pro RH Bill. We believe education about sex and parental responsibility is a good thing, not a sin. We also believe our children and those who are living now deserve more consideration than a school of tiny sperm swimming upriver in a woman’s pipes looking for the glory land. And we think poverty really, really sucks.”
“I repeat, because it is worth repeating: The Church of Man believes GOD HAS FAITH IN MAN! God has ordained man to think and take good care of himself and his community. The saying ‘God Bless the Philippines’ is backward. We bless God through our acts. Also, ‘In God we trust’ is backward. God trusts US, to do right.”
“We like our God because He has so much confidence in us. No way would we fail Him or cheat on Him by confessing sins then doubling back to the bar on the way home. No, our God expects us to rise, not fall, and that is what we aspire to do.”
“Our Church has a lot of work to do in the Philippines, so kindly step out of the way so we can get back to our keyboards.”
Mr. America kept shouting over his shoulder as he left the stage.
“God trusts in us.”
“The Philippines can do that by undertaking intelligent and caring deeds and being responsible for what happens. Neither a beggar nor a whiner be.”
“May the Philippines bless God with good acts.”
“Say hallelujah, brothers and sisters!”
He left the room.

31 Responses to “Joe Am’s "Philippine Church of Man"”
  1. Edgar Lores says:

    Hallelujah!The "Philippine Church of Man" may not be as contemporary as the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" but its basic tenet of God's faith in man and his reasoning capacity is certainly more relevant to our times. Let us think and act in such a way that God's trust in us is fulfilled.Hallelujah, brother!

  2. Anonymous says:

    from, right from from the starting pearly or platinum gate of yours, according to womenPhilippine Church of Man, what hapened to women, LGBT? too chauvinistic claimed the women. Pig stud saved for the big fiesta according to LGBTThats the reason you put the pic of the phallus on the right column, symbol of the sphire of the Church of Man eerilly similar to top of metal sphire of Mormon Church in Salt Lake whose sexual orientation is polygamy. Suggest name of God is PhallMaybe appropriate name to be universally friendly would be Philippine Church of Mankind or Human: non gender, non racist, non colorful, non staturesque, non denominational, non sectarian, non sequitur, none of the above finallyMy white matter taking over the gray while pounding the keyboard, shaking the mouse/rat while thinking what to write on the resume to apply to your church. My problem is you never spelled out the tithing provision compared to INC, nor the day of Sabbath, TGIF is good motto for worship day. Is it "BALSA"?, the favorite ride of every Filipino, "BAsta Libre Sama Ako"He he heJohnny Lin

  3. Anonymous says:

    "Foul, right from the starting pearly or platinum gate of yours" according to women

  4. Amen, and all God's Children said "Amen!"

  5. We are an enlightened Church, and enlightened women know that the term "Man" means mankind and is elegant for its short simplicity and profound statement. Indeed, we expect women will fuel the fires of our intellectual rectitude.I don't know what that means, exactly, but The Philippine Church of Man(kind) welcomes women. We ain't stupid.The tithing provision . . . it will be open sourced at some future date. We are just getting organized here . . .

  6. Anonymous says:

    Joe In the Philippines, nothing is taken for granted as understandable and meaningful unless specified. Or else Corona would not have been given CJ midnight appoinment or Congress would not insist on 2 representatives instead of 1, clearly specified in the constitutionYour next blog, Killer Books"For intellectuals only" in the right column because I intend to skip it reading due to its restrictive invitation.Is this another prejudicial or politically incorrect phraseOr the slip is slowly showing? Just askingJohnny Lin

  7. Anonymous says:

    Amen to that, Joe. Might this be the equivalent of a religious free for all? Tax-free, I hope. Might this also be the satirical equivalent of an anti-Catholic counterpunch? To up in coming Messiahs out there, not including JoeAm's Church of course, the man on the street is not fooled.DocB

  8. If you take me seriously you'd be making a serious mistake. Bend a little to find the meaning that is the opposite of what it says, and you will find the correct meaning. Satire takes a little work, and is not the flavor everyone likes, but it's what amuses me and others who like to escape now and then from the boxes that others try to define for them.

  9. Yes. Religious "free for all". I like that. No aspiring Messiahs need apply.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I wish you could provide a background about the church of scientology of America. That is, if you know something about it. By the way, wasn't Jefferson a freemason? Our Rizal was. Anti-clerico, you bet.DocB

  11. Doc, I know little about the Church of Scientology other than it seems like a case of religion and reason having gone off the deep end together. When a person is not allowed to visit a doctor because it violates doctrine, it is not a "religion" I'm interested in. I'm nervous about the ones that won't let members drink coke or coffee. I guess it goes back to the "free" word. Those are man's rules, not Gods, and they don't make a lot of sense to me.

  12. Anonymous says:

    He he heOrwellian avenue is two way long as condescension not the skyway.Johnnny lin

  13. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for that. Pinoy Christians have nothing on jihadists. I have no recollection of any Pinoy blowing himself up. I do admire Pinoy priests martyred by the military and the Ampatuan-like warlords. DocB

  14. Anonymous says:

    From: Island jim-e (aka: the cricket)1. A rose is a rose by any name…please sign me up as a charter-member! (send coupon quick please!)2. Man-kind! I hope that we don't get "deleted" beforeI get another case of "holywater"!3. Sell the sizzle (let the meat age a few more months!)seems like a good title for a new reporductive health bill!4. Reasoning-God still might have some faith in man-women-kind! But only if he/she keeps the "universal engine"from getting "flooded" once again!note: Did you know that according to science that one of thetheories of "extinction" in the past had to do with a possiblemix of natural uranium mixing with just enough "right water" tocreate a spontanious atomic reaction (natural bomb)! Does thismean that man-kind can get "bombed" out our minds withoutthe influence of the churches/dogma, etc.(if and when we are mature and well-developed)?Question: Does a baby born blind, deaf and speechless (usually because of bad nutrition/health of the parents)hearthe messages of any church?Question: Would this church allow-welcome the poor,ignorant, uneducated, sick, feeble, indigents, street people,old, infirm, ill, hungry, jobless, home-less, and churchless into its shelter daily? (acts of the apostles…results/fruits to date…projections…etc.. or just hold occasional"street-rallies" to generate more fear and income?chirp!

  15. Yes, that then seems to be the essential flaw in the "pro-life" movement, eh? The misery of the lives that are created with abandon.The Church of Man would allow those the other churches abandon to find a caring place to worship, and it would strive mightily to attend to their condition. Church of Man, for Man, by Man. I rather think people can be incredibly resourceful if not busy trying to dominate and climb over one another. Frankly, this ever-present need to win tires me mightily.

  16. Cha says:

    Meanwhile at EDSA, the twin spawns of the Church of the Catholic Bishops of the Philippines, Hubris and Hypocrisy, took center stage today. Oh, how they were worshipped by the minions. There they were standing tall for all the world to see; adored and admired by their disciples, most of them bearing names that were variants of Ignorance. Tis a sad day for God's apprentices today, Reason and Compassion. The Bishops left them stranded at the presbytery. The bishops thought Faith would have been enough, but Faith was under the weather today. She was missing her allies Hope and Charity. Even Love didn't bother to show up.

  17. Yes, I need to refrain from commenting because my anger just rips. I think I'll save my energy, declare the Church stuck in cement and time and therefore irrelevant to a nation on the move. People should start ignoring her and going around that block of stone.

  18. Edgar Lores says:

    Permit me to comment. It is good to see that the minions were few in number, far less than expected. Perhaps it was the weather. Perhaps the servile faithful are less in number than the RCC would like to believe. At the very least, it proves that the INC has more simpletons both in terms of ratios and absolute numbers.I myself would like to believe Reason has entered the fray, judging from the volume of judicial comments in the blogs and the news media. The Mind is the Heart's twin. The Heart is the life, Reason the way.

  19. "The Mind is the Heart's twin. The Heart is the life, Reason the way." Is that yours, an original? When I quote it over and over again in my blogs, I want to give due credit.

  20. Cha says:

    Ah yes Edgar, when I wrote the earlier comment last night, I had yet to feast on all the enormous servings of principled reasoning dished out by social media. Just woke up to it today.My friend Hope just got roused from her sleep.

  21. Edgar Lores says:

    I believe it is an original. I googled it just now just to make sure. (I am a reader, and you never know what gets stored in the grey cells.)Yes, Cha, dawn breaks.

  22. Great, thanks. I herein declare it as yours. Certified.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Halleluja Church of Man!I found my true religion. God has faith in man, we just created our God. Thank you Joe.Its Jack

  24. Anonymous says:

    Yeah Cha, those minions standing tall before the bishops are fools whom the bishops managed manipulate to empty their heads. Sorry Joe I have to borrow that empty head words you found from the NEW HUMPTY DUMPTY INTERNATIONAL DICTIONARY the other day.Its Jack

  25. Yes, isn't that refreshing? It inspires one to want to live up to God's confidence that we can accomplish good deeds.

  26. It is a very useful dictionary, eh? You can borrow it anytime. No charge.

  27. Anonymous says:

    Sure it is refreshing. I had two Mormons who visited me several times. On their third visit I finally told them that helping and being nice to people is GODLY. I dont need any other God. Works well Joe, they didnt come back.Its Jack

  28. Anonymous says:

    Not only useful, it carries some special significance.

  29. Edgar Lores says:

    Aww, gee, shucks, thanks.

  30. vencedor says:

    "Man" are "woman" are just words. In the term woman alone, there is man. Our friend Johnny argued that "mankind" and "human" are non gender, if that is so, then the term "man" by itself is non gender. Do we have to blame our ancestors for just prefixing something to name the child-bearing gender?

  31. Hello, vencedor. Good of you to visit. In American English, the term "Man" can be used two ways: (1) gender specific to indicate the male, and (2)gender neutral to indicate all of humankind. One decides what is meant by the context. In my article, the Church of Man uses the second definition. It is a more poetic or impactful label than saying "The Church of Man and Woman", or "The Church of Humankind".When US Astronaut Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon, he used the terms "man" and "mankind" to mean all of us, regardless of gender.

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