Eight reasons to vote for Binay
by Edgar Lores
I have thought deep and long — and long and deep — about the presidential candidates, and I am convinced there is only one man who deserves your vote as the new president of the Philippines. That man is no other than Jejomar “Jojo” Cabauatan Binay, Sr.
I hope to convert you to my side by advancing eight compelling reasons. If you have not made up your mind yet — or if you have… but for another candidate — I strongly urge you to listen to me and hear my reasons. Mine is a voice of objectivity and rationality, something which has been lacking in our politics that heretofore has been dominated by chaotic passion and passionate chaos.
Trust me. 🙂
1. Heaven Sent. The first reason to vote for Jojo is that he is obviously heaven-sent. His parents had an intimation of future greatness and gave him a first name that is a portmanteau of Je(sus), Jo(seph) and Mar(y). Most of his rivals have biblical names as such, but not one embraces the whole of the Holy Family.
Miriam was the elder sister of Moses, and Manuel (that’s Mar if you didn’t know) is derived from the Hebrew Emmanuel meaning “God is with us.” Yeah, right.
Grace is not the name of a biblical character but of a godly attribute. It means “to get something you do not deserve” as in the article of faith “we are saved by God’s grace.” Therefore: being without grace means to get something we deserve… right? Right! Double therefore: without Grace, we deserve Jojo.
Only Rodrigo is non-biblical but in Spanish the name means “Famous Ruler.” That name, should he win, will become “Infamous Ruler.” We must not permit this affront to happen with all due reverence to the great hero El Cid.
Jojo is the man, our man. Instead of saying “Ay susmaryosep!” and taking the holy family’s name in vain, once he wins the presidency we will be able to say, “Ay yoyo naman!” Note “j” and “y” are interchangeable.
2. Respect for Elders. Jojo, at 73, is the oldest among the contenders. He is much, much younger than Methuselah but older than Rodrigo and Miriam by 3 years; Mar at 58 by 15 years, and Grace at 47 by 26 years.
The Bible teaches us to respect our elders. Accordingly, the older a person is the more respect we must accord. Leviticus 19:32 is even more explicit than the Fifth Commandment: “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord.”
Do you not, dear Reader, fear the Lord?
What is more, there is magic in Jojo’s birth date. He was born on the 11th day of the 11th month. Everyone knows the Double Ten Day, Taiwan’s National Day, is a lucky combination. Equally auspicious, if not more so, is Double Eleven: it is Singles’ Day in China and the holiday is observed as a massive day for shopping. Alibaba here we come!
With Jojo at the helm and with his policy of hewing close to the Middle Kingdom, we are assured of shopping until we drop… and causing a massive movement of goods into our homes. Yes, our homes will become like the treasure-filled cave, discovered by Ali Baba, that belonged to the forty thieves. And we do not even have to utter the magic phrase, “Open Sesame!”
Even Jojo’s year of birth is propitious. He was born in ’42… and anyone who has read “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” knows what that means. Jeopardy clue: “42!” is the answer to which question?
3. Effort for Ambition. According to that nonpareil salesman, Napoleon Hill, having a Definite Purpose is Lesson 1 of the Law of Success. Jojo’s Definite Purpose has been to become president… of the Boy Scouts of/and the Philippines.
He announced his candidacy as soon as he became the Veep. It should be apparent, however, that he has been gunning for the position since he was orphaned at age 9, when he was adopted by his uncle and was assigned to tend to the piggery. At that tender age, Jojo took the assignment to be a sign of his future calling, and he made a promise to himself as he carried slops to the pigpen. He vowed, “I am learning to take care of pigs now… so I can do this much better, much later in life.”
The world rewards effort and ambition with success. And, as the Michael Jackson song goes, we are the world — are we not?
Lesson 8 of the Law of Success is The Habit of Performing More Service Than Paid For, and who has not performed more service for himself, his family and his dummies than Jojo?
4. Innovative Solutions. Jojo has boasted of being innovative in his crimi… er, political enterprises. And how! Like detaining unwanted bidders in stalled elevators. Like claiming an overpriced parking building is world-class and green. Like fielding his daughter into the Senate so she can teach the other senators to bake cakes… instead of crafting useless bills that will not be passed, like the anti-political dynasty bill, and laws that will not be implemented, like the RH Law.
And like using dummies to front for him. Well, certainly, he was not the first to use dummies. Ferdie and Imelda used dummies too… and most of the dummies outsmarted them! But not our Jojo. Mr. Tiu claimed to own the Batangas hacienda, but he was not able to present a clear certificate of title. One guess who has it.
Perhaps the one innovation that Jojo introduced regarding dummies is that he could, like a magician, make them disappear into thin air. Abracadabra! And — poof! — Limlangan and Baloloy are nowhere to be found. But don’t you worry, Jojo keeps in the safe, alongside the various certificates of title, the account numbers and passwords carried in their names.
Innovative solutions may lead to disasters or miracles. But let us give our man a chance. Manila traffic? No problemo. Following his logic of not appearing before the Senate Blue Ribbon committee to answer the many grievous charges raised against him, Jojo just needs to denounce the traffic as being “politically motivated.” And — alakazam! — the problem will disappear.
5. Bandwagon Effect. Now this is important. Surveys are essential to let the people know who to vote for. We must not let the people tax their brains too much. Let 1,000 people be surveyed and decide for 65 million voters. The bandwagon effect is a mass variant of the Sottocopy principle: others think and Sotto copies.
Filipinos are heart-intelligent, tummy-intelligent and groin-intelligent. They are not head-intelligent as shown by the quality of TV programs and the results of past elections. This is perfect. In the near future, brain transplants will become common and necessary because of the Zika virus, and unused and barely used Filipino brains will attract premium rates. I will wager Junjun’s encephalon — I am loath to use the term “brains” in this context — will garner a higher bid than Nancy’s… but not by much.
And Jojo has been leading in the surveys, hasn’t he? He led for a long time, was replaced by pretenders, and is now back on top. Oh joy! Uh oh, a little bird has just told me he may have slipped a little according to the latest Pulse Asia survey. But never fear, our man will conquer. Let us all jump on the Binaywagon to ensure he stays on top.
6. Dynastic Tradition. People who say dynasties are bad do not understand Filipino society. The sociopolitical structure of the country is still the divinely sanctioned datuship, although now there is upward and downward mobility. We rise or fall by dint of hard work or none, or by dint of political connections or none.
A pig farmer can become a Maharlika (nobleman), and a Maharlika can become a datu. And the datu and his family can reign not only in Makati but over the entire country.
Jojo in Malacanang Palace; Elenita, as MMDA chair, in the Coconut Palace; Nancy in the Senate; Abby in Makati City Hall; and Junjun in his elevator. Correction: Junjun in one of his elevators.
Under Datu Jojo’s reign, the blessings enjoyed by the denizens of Makati will rain upon all citizens of the country. He has made this solemn promise. The benefits are from womb to tomb. Pregnant? No worries: free hospitalization. Education? No worries: free schooling. Hungry? No worries: free cake. Stressed? No worries: free movies. Dead? No worries: free burial.
Ganito tayo sa Pinas.
Apropos of Junjun and his affinity for elevators, perhaps he can be engaged as a consultant to solve the MRT fiasco. He has shown considerable financial acumen with The Garage. And, thinking laterally, what are MRT cars but horizontal elevators that transport people sideways instead of up and down? Junjun can have the cars, the tracks and the stations painted in different shades of green, and in no time we will have a world-class el system. And like with the Makati parking building, the Binays will have saved the government mucho dinero.
And here’s the deal, the ultimate enticement: Jojo will offer — free rides to senior citizens! Precious Reader, are you, by chance, one?
7. Boodle Fights. The sharing of food is a mystical rite for Filipinos. To the traditions of birthday celebrations, fiestas, noche buena and “pa-libre nga,” Jojo has added the boodle fight. We all have seen the photos: an endless length of tables joined together, topped with banana leaves, and heaped in the middle with a long train of rice and ulam. In the best of Filipino dining etiquette, no eating utensils are provided; it’s kamayan. And standing room only.
As we witnessed at the Makati City Hall, the sharing of food with the Binays can transform timid law-abiding citizens into warriors. Fierce warriors with the strength to throw monobloc chairs several meters forward… toward the phalanx of policemen hiding behind their shields.
And did we not also witness a rampant Jojo confront and assault a police superintendent twice his size? Our Jojo is a fierce David.
I predict the EDSA IV revolution to topple Jojo will see major portions of the length of 24 km highway covered with epic boodle fight displays. Anti-Binay protesters will drop their placards upon reaching the historic people-power site and will dig in — not in protracted fight but in immediate surrender to the food.
On the basis of one shared meal with Mar of sisig and lapu-lapu, JoeAm wrote a blog of 2,575 words entitled “Mar Roxas: the man, the myth, the legend.” How many blogs and words might he be inspired to write on the basis of sharing a boodle fight feast with Jojo? The suggested working title of the first blog is: “Jojo Binay: el abogado, el haciendero, el presidiario.”
No, none of the words in the title is misspelled.
8. Continuity vs. continuality. It is said that if Mar wins, he will represent a continuity with President Aquino and the Straight Path.
But consider this: if Jojo wins, he will represent a continuality with Marcos, Erap and Gloria… and the Crooked Path.
Thus, Jojo can claim to be the heir of many more presidential predecessors than Mar. He will follow in the footsteps (two middling and one short) of, not one, but three previous presidents possessed of deft fingers. And, as every traveler knows, a zigzag path is more picturesque and picaresque than a straight one.
I hope I have convinced you, magnificent Reader. If not, here, por favor, please accept this bag of noodles, sardines, tuna, a t-shirt emblazoned with the B name, and souvenir portraits of Ninoy and Cory. So sorry, pre, there are no more brosaries.