The President’s State of the World Address (SOWA)

JoeAm Sheriff02Good evening distinguished guests and senators. My name is Joe America, and I’m a straight-shooting blogger in the best Filipino tradition.

President Aquino had a date tonight and so he has asked me to stand in for him to present what will become an annual gala event, the “State of the World Address”. His instruction was “Tell it like it is, Joe. Tell it like I would tell it if I did not have to be a goody two-shoes diplomat.”

Speaking of presidential dates, that reminds me of the Heckler’s recent report on presidential escapades:

  • According to feng shui practitioner Anthony Fugoso, President Aquino should get married to reverse his (predicted) bad luck this year. And his potential wife was like, “What about me? How do I reverse mine?”

But seriously, folks . . .

The purpose of this Address is to review the world in which we sit, smack dab in the middle of what is likely to be the battleground for World War III. You thought it was bad being in Typhoon Alley, riding a bucking tectonic plate toward Los Angeles, volcanoes to the left and the right. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Imagine being stuck between the aircraft carriers of China, that Beast of the East, and America, the Cowboys of the West.

It’s enough to make a president scowl.

I do wonder about the Chinese mindset. It seems whacky to me. How can her top people expect China to rise as a respected leader in Asia and the World when all she does is tromp about telling us what to do, and then blaming us if we resist? That sloppy 9-dash crayon drawing is a legal document? Filipino kindergarten kids can draw better maps than that.

The President’s job has been like getting cast as the straight guy in a movie with the three stooges, China, Taiwan and Hong Kong, all slinging verbal pies at the Philippines as if we were out to grab THEIR land and minerals and fish and rare precious turtles. Talk about a culture gap, those Chinese grind up armadillo gonads into powder and sell it as nature’s delight, organic Viagra. We, on the other hand, act like real men and wear bullets as amulets for our special powers. They’re cool, except at the airport security scanners.

I have to laugh. The Chinese are the only peoples in the world who would try to pirate FROM the Philippines. I think “Lee” means smuggler. Or is it “Tan”, I forget.

China is the bully in the school hallway who slams a kid against a locker, then blames the kid for being in the way. That’s how it is with China. We’re in the way. Ask Japan, they get it. So China pushes us then calls us troublemakers, jabbing a calloused finger into our chests and threatening to beat our brains out. And if we protest to the teacher? Or ITLOS? Neither God nor the Ghost of Mao can grant us favor in China’s eyes.

Taiwan ran off in a shrieking rage about how our Coast Guard shot one of their poaching fishermen before we even have the opportunity to investigate. Judge and jury, man. They were judge and jury, and of course all the fishermen raiding Philippine waters were held up as heroes in Taipei. The Taiwanese leaders have zero consideration for our sovereign integrity and duty. Talk about an absence of diplomatic nuance. Well, the President patted them lovingly like one does a tantrum-throwing two-year old and put them at ease. Now they are cuddling up to China, and Chiang Kai Shek is twirling in his coffin.

Hong Kong is another stooge. Figuratively and literally and anyway you care to look at it. Hong Kong used to be the envy of the World, the place where anyone could go to trade anything, and life was free and rich with polo and jade and custom-made suits and junks in the night. Even armadillo gonads. Now we see that China has a hand in the HK dummy’s back to pull the strings that move the lips as the commie ventriloquists spout offensive words about the Philippines.

Hey, Hong Kongers, we will not slap visas on you. Indeed, we welcome you to come to Manila so you can see the NEW carefree center of Asia coming to life. Your rich brothers of the orient are funding some really swanky casinos here, and you are welcome to come here and lose your shirt. Or pants, as the case may be. Just leave your dollars is all we care about.

Well, okay, so we have a few things left to do, like get the damn unregistered buses off Edsa and get the taxis to stop switching their license plates. But our path is up and we will be sure to wave as we pass you on your way down.

Speaking of being on a downward trip, how about those United States? I think they should rename their country to “Divided States”, or a “Union of Partisan Extremists.” How many people do they have in Congress there? Five score in the senate and 21 score and 15 in the house? They turn the normal bell curve upside down so that the extremes comprise 98.6% of the membership and the regular people like Senators Feinstein and Collins make up the hopelessly paralyzed rational middle.

Scores of stooges, all pandering to and for their political parties rather than the nation.

And that Secretary of State John Kerry. Now I have to be careful here because he’s President Aquino’s pal, but that’s only because we want Kerry to agree to clean up Subic if we let them park their big boats there again. We will also make sure the VFA is revised to junk the provision that wayward American soldiers be jailed at the embassy rather than our incarceration suites. Our judiciary is very straightforward. Just pay us enough money or those troops rot a lifetime right next to darling Janet Napoles. Now I know that would be considered torture in most states, listening to that lady wail and pray as if she had nothing to do with her shenanigans and is being treated poorly by not having air conditioning and a lap pool. But that’s just our culture of complaint. No big deal.

But I digress. What is it about Americans and their need to build other nations in their own image? Have they looked in the mirror lately? Probably not. When they do, they see an NSA goon staring back at them, taking notes. John Kerry was an anti-war protester a few decades ago. Now he runs around instigating rebellion. Power does amazing things to a person’s principles I guess.

But the rest of the world is good.

Good for a laugh.

We have riots in Thailand and the Ukraine, the Middle East is in its normal bloody uproar, the European Union is falling apart, and the Maldives is making like Tacloban, disappearing in an angry ocean. The only sanity hereabouts is in Canada and Australia, and they go quirky from time to time, too. The Australians are threatening to drown Indonesian boat people if they try to land and Canada’s leaders want to jam a dirty oil pipeline all the way across America. But at least they are hospitable to Filipinos.

Like, they actually APPRECIATE our labors.

Not like those bozo puppets in our Asian back yard.

[Standing ovation]

Comments
24 Responses to “The President’s State of the World Address (SOWA)”
  1. Being the proxy of the President, you fulfilled your purpose– showing me how dangerous of a place the Philippines and the world are. If the Philippines will be the WWIIII venue, I’ll start constructing my bunker and stock it with food.

    China seems like a borderline insane dude who riles up pathetically high nationalist feelings to mask the domestic shortcomings of its corrupt leaders. Their internet restriction is tantamount to mass brainwash. No wonder most Chinese are almost as insane as their leaders.

    Hong Kong is just an autonomous region trying to punch above its weight. Taiwan would be better off if it focused on jostling with its mainland rival.

    From a realist standpoint, as long as US allies with PH, the partisan war won’t be much of a threat. But it would be great to see a more rational US gov’t creating a socially equitable society. You know a Hollywood ending.

    Oh Canada. Great social services and safety net, cultural diversity, diverse hotness of women to counter the damn cold.

    Wait.. I still prefer my bunker. At least its warmer there.

    • Joe America says:

      Ahahahaha. Canada is the hope for the best of us, China emblematic of the path of darkness, like that cast by North Korea. It’s military madmen have too much sway, and its values are authoritarian unblemished with any sense that different peoples deserve respect.

      How about a bunker with hot Canadian women?

  2. I thought you told me I wouldn’t need that return ticket? I may just have to change the final destination…

  3. JM says:

    “We, on the other hand, act like real men and wear bullets as amulets for our special powers. They’re cool, except at the airport security scanners.” – LOL, Thanks for the morning laugh.

  4. Jon Effemey says:

    Mr Joe…..there is also Macao …the world’s biggest gambling centre, bigger than Las Vegas. I have found sources that seem to indicate there is a move to really .boast casinos in the Philippines. Huge money, American Australia and Japanese is involved….and Chinese by the ton load we are talking millions if not millions of dollars here. Macau I have noticed seems to be the conduit along with Hong Kong.
    Yes what is really happening in the Chinese Politburo. The Communist cadre who run that uber capitalist state? The Guardian has noted huge amounts of money are being ferreted away into off sea bank accounts from there and corruption is wide spread?
    On top of all this you have the East and South China seas issues…”We live in interesting times” as the Chinese say!

    • Joe America says:

      Yes, good points. I read today that there are somewhere around 57,000 Chinese requests for investment immigrant status into Canada, and that the bulk of these people have a good deal of money. They are worried about China’s corruption and closed policies. It may be that China is rallying the locals behind a nationalistic fervor by painting other nations as threats. Ahahahaha. As if the Philippine military could threaten China. It is a complicated nation, outside the reach of what we westerners would consider “rational”.

    • If the rate of off-shoring by the Chinese elite reach obscene levels, and if industrialization-caused environmental pollution worsens, I predict that Middle Class China will mount a “democratic/welfare state revolution.” And I haven’t considered the rising cost of living in China especially in major cities, and lack of job opportunities. There won’t be any need for internet/telecommunications freedom which was vital in EDSA 2.

      A middle class revolution may spawn a sane China leadership. Patriotic, democratic, tolerant, but not militaristic. They could use the money in government coffers to build a decent safety net instead of militarization.

      Anyway, Chinese don’t need to fear external threats b’coz they are biggest threat around right now…

  5. Paul Lazo says:

    Now now Joe, let’s not be such a pessimist 🙂 The world has seen more damming times (the hundred years war 1337-1453 combined with the black plague wiped out 1/3 (possibly more) of the western population and possibly more in the East), but alas, the end of the world as man describes it did not happen…we are still here. As for China, I’m sure you have all heard of the great naval commander Zheng He…I also hope you all know that his primary mandate from the Chinese Emperor at that time was to collect tribute from all subjects (the rest of the world) of China – at that time, the Chinese had evolved to the point that they believed that they were the rulers of the whole world both known and unknown. As for the Americans, as far back as my American history classes have taught me, they believe that God has given them the mandate to enlighten the world. Some where along the line they (Americans) forgot that many of the countries they tried to enlighten had civilizations far older and greater than theirs. What I’m trying to point out is that it appears to be in the nature of the Chinese and the Americans to be that way. Is it good? Is it bad? That’s not for me to say and if you started a blog about that, it would never end. I would like to point out is that in general the world has moved forward. Yes, the Chinese are acting like bullies and have yet to display a, I dare say, level of maturity and compassion to act as the policemen of the region. No matter how arrogant and self serving the Americans can sometimes seem, I do have to commend them for doing a good job policing the world. After all, I would prefer the Americans police the world rather China or some middle eastern four letter country 🙂 Either way, I feel the world is evolving to a greater place. I just pray and hope that we will be a little wiser and not require a conflagration, as is sometimes needed evolution to occur.

  6. Joseph-Ivo says:

    Dear Mr. President at interim.

    You might have to consider why the Chinese are behaving so aggressive. You now that the last 20 years China went through tremendous growth, reducing poverty like nowhere else, sending more than 50% of its citizens to cities. This growth was partly fueled by building infrastructures, housing, factories and malls, resulting in a 240% national debt to GDP. This debt slowly becomes unsustainable.

    Building more malls or highways is not an option anymore. A collapse in growth will emphasis this income inequality and the Chinese leadership doesn’t want another revolution. They need to mobilize people around a common theme and a common enemy is an ideal lightning rod.

    I do not think that oil or gas are the real reason, they learned from the US how out of proportion a war can be: $4 billion a month in Afghanistan to support a country with and economy of $1 billion a year! (= 10% of their GDP, the rest is 60% foreign aid and 30% heroin related).

    Just allow the Chinese to distract attention of their citizens from coming economic hardship, don’t take it too serious. Make sure you keep increasing your economic growth, minerals, foreign markets and trading is what the Chinese really need. So your best strategy is to focus on education, infrastructures and anti-corruption.

    • Sharp analysis from a seasoned JoeAm blogger. I never thought China has such a huge national debt. I can now add that to my aforementioned reasons why China will implode.

      For now, they are trying to disperse the heat by stirring pathetic nationalist feelings.

      And Filipinos need to take the high road, stop being so touchy and just focus on our own development…

    • Joe America says:

      The calm, rational, do what we need to do approach is good. I’ll buy into it with two caveats. One, that we ought not allow thieves to raid our riches, and, therefore, taking China to the only court available to us (ITLOS) is a part of the high road you and David Webb counsel. Two, that we need to be firm in our resolve to protect Philippine sovereignty, and thus putting up verbal barriers (“enough is enough”) and maintaining enough of a defense to make China think about the risks and costs of doing something stupid is necessary. Point two originates from a recognition that the most aggressive and imperialistic of China’s words and acts derive from her military leaders, and not politicians who may indeed be using the Philippines as an issue to rally patriotic spirit. The Generals may have a set of goals that are not predictable or even sane.

      • I see you still have your militaristic defensive realist stand, which I think is reasonable.

        I’m starting to realize that I need to divide Chinese leadership into the nationalism-inducing politicians and insane, warmongering generals.

        Interesting and terrifying times….

  7. Dee says:

    I do not know about moving to Canada. I thought about it before but not after they sent us Justin Beiber and Rob Ford started acting out. The Keystone Pipeline System is not a problem. Green Peacers will howl but they too, need fossil fuels to power their itty bitty Smart cars. The Arctic zone pivot also tells me that Canada is about to face off with China sooner than later. I heard China is cozying up with Greenland for the eventuality.
    I also saw the PLA plan of nuking the West Coast of America but it seems that the South will be safe. Just in case, I am digging a hole to China so when they are in my backyard, I’ll be in theirs. Cheers, JoeAm!

  8. bam says:

    great writing!

  9. letlet says:

    Jia Qingguo, professor at the Peking University’s School olf International Studies, said China was merely following an example set by West.

    ” United States has Guam in Asia which is very far from United States, France has islands in Pacific Islands, so it is nothing new, adding ” the geographical location of the island does not necessarily indicate to which country it belongs.

    Qingguo is way behind the time. What he pointed out occurred during the time of colonization. Today, we have the United Nations to settle disputes. China is a prominent member of the UN.

    Link: China’s 9 – dash line ” weakens” claims by Recto Mercene, 2012 Business Mirror
    ———————-

    By the looks of it, China is still inside the time machine forgetting we are in the 20th century now. Wakey, wakey, China, yoohoo.

    • Joe America says:

      “Yoohoo” indeed. Not only is China outside the mainstream by failing to respect international initiatives to remain a peaceful planet, but she is outside the mainstream on modern social values, which say respect for others . . . like neighboring countries . . . is necessary if one is going to be respected oneself. I have never seen another country . . . well, other than North Korea . . . which tries so much to gain sway over other nations by insulting them.

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